How to Stop Playing Small and Start Taking Up Space, Unapologetically

High-achieving women are praised for being polished, poised, and pleasant…aka quiet. We’re applauded for being the team player, the behind-the-scenes fixer, the one who smooths out conflict with a smile and makes success look effortless.

But behind that success? You’re exhausted. Frustrated. Craving something more, but terrified to say it out loud.

Because you’ve spent years being the “good girl,” the overachiever, the one who always delivers. And it’s been rewarded. Until now. Because now you’re realizing: you’re tired of shrinking to fit a mold that was never made for you.

This post is your wake-up call to stop playing small and start taking up space - in life, in business, in your damn relationships.

Want a step-by-step way to start reclaiming your boldness today?

Download the free guide: 5 Ways to Stop Living on Autopilot (And Start Feeling Alive Again)

What It Means to Play Small (and Why Smart Women Do It)

Let’s define it:
- Saying yes when you mean no
- Hiding your opinions to avoid “being difficult”
- Downplaying your brilliance so others feel comfortable
- Waiting to be chosen, recognized, or validated

You know who’s often doing this? Brilliant, educated, high-achieving women who’ve learned that being small feels safer.

Take the woman in the boardroom who knows the answer, but waits for someone else to say it first. Or the entrepreneur who delays launching because she “isn’t sure people are ready for her ideas.”

Or the mother who stops asking for help because she doesn’t want to seem ungrateful. Or the rising leader who lowers her volume so she won’t be called “too much.” These aren’t failures, they’re survival strategies we’ve internalized.

Why does this happen?

Two big reasons:

Imposter Syndrome – You don’t feel like you’ve “earned” your seat, so you shrink in fear of being found out.
Fawn Response – A stress response (especially for women) where you appease and please to avoid conflict or disconnection.

“Playing small doesn’t protect you. It just makes you disappear.” — Jenny Evans

The Cost of Shrinking

You’re high-functioning on the outside. But what’s it costing you inside?

• Burnout from overdelivering without being seen
  
• Loneliness from hiding your true voice
  
• Decision fatigue because you second-guess everything
  
• Missed opportunities because you’re waiting for permission
  
  

And let’s not forget the physical toll: tension headaches, insomnia, digestive issues, or that constant low buzz of stress you can’t quite shake. Suppressing who you are doesn’t just exhaust your soul, it drains your body.

Here’s the science: Studies from the American Psychological Association show that self-silencing (downplaying your needs, avoiding conflict, suppressing emotion) is directly correlated with higher levels of anxiety, depression, and chronic stress.

Shrinking doesn’t keep you safe.
It keeps you stuck.

Where the Programming Comes From

This isn’t your fault. You’ve been trained.

• Childhood conditioning: “Be nice.” “Don’t make waves.” “Make everyone happy.”
  
• Corporate culture: Women are praised for self-sacrifice but penalized for assertiveness (hello, “bossy” label).
  
• Societal double standards: Be confident, but not too confident. Be visible, but not too loud. Be bold, but still likable.
  
  

Eventually, these outside messages become internal beliefs:
“I’m too much.”
“I don’t want to make people uncomfortable.”
“I should be grateful for what I have.”

And so you start editing yourself. Softening edges. Downplaying instincts. You learn to prioritize peace over truth, likability over leadership. But here’s the truth: that programming may have kept you safe in the past, but now it’s keeping you stuck.

You’re not too much. You’ve just been trained to believe your power is a liability.

Signs You’re Playing Small (Even If You’re Successful)

 Let’s be honest, this list might hit hard.

• You apologize before speaking, even when you’ve done nothing wrong
  
• You wait for someone to “okay” your decisions
  
• You avoid talking about your wins, accomplishments, or dreams
  
• You hesitate to raise your prices, pitch the project, or publish your big idea
  
  

You deflect compliments. You defer credit. You downplay how damn hard you work. You tell yourself you’re being “humble,” but what you’re really doing is hiding. And here’s the kicker: people believe the version of you that you present. So if you’re showing up half-lit, half-bold, half-expressed… don’t be surprised when you get half of what you really want.

If any of these hit home, guess what? You’re not thriving.
You’re tolerating.

The Brain Science of Boldness

Here’s where it gets fun: your brain is built to change.

Thanks to neuroplasticity, your habits, thoughts, and identity are not fixed. Confidence is not a personality trait, it’s a trained behavior.

Research from Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Amy Cuddy shows that practicing self-compassion and power posing (yes, really) rewires your brain to feel safe being seen, heard, and bold.

That means:

• Every time you speak up, even when it’s uncomfortable? Your brain gets better at it.
  
• Every time you take a risk? Your brain rewires for courage.
  
• Every time you choose expansion over avoidance? You’re literally shifting your brain chemistry.
  
  

The more you practice standing tall, using your voice, and owning your space, the more your brain associates boldness with safety, not threat. Confidence isn’t magic. It’s a muscle. You build it by lifting bold reps, day after day.

You don’t wait until you feel confident to take action, you take action, and confidence follows.

How to Start Taking Up Space (Without Guilt or Apology)

Here’s how to stop shrinking and start expanding:

Step 1: Reclaim Your Language
Stop cushioning your sentences. Eliminate:

• “Just…”
  
• “Sorry, but…”
  
• “I think…”
  
  

Replace with:

• “Here’s what I see.”
  
• “This is important because…”
  
• “I recommend…”
  
  

Your voice doesn’t need a permission slip. It needs practice.

Step 2: Own Your Wins
Start tracking your accomplishments daily, weekly, in a journal, or a spreadsheet. Ask:

• What did I make happen this week?
  
• What required courage?
  
• Where did I lead?
  
  

Bragging? No babe, it’s called data. Document your proof so you don’t gaslight your own power.

Step 3: Practice Visible Courage

• Speak up first in meetings
  
• Publish the post you’ve been holding back
  
• Raise your rates
  
• Say the thing that scares you
  
  

You don’t build boldness in theory. You build it in motion. Repetition becomes resilience.

Step 4: Build an Environment That Reflects Your Power
Audit your circle:

• Who energizes you?
  
• Who drains you?
  
• Who celebrates your boldness?
  
• Who punishes your shine?
  
  

Because if you’re constantly shrinking to be accepted, you’re in the wrong room. Set new standards for the spaces you allow to shape you. Power expands when it's supported.

From Autopilot to Alignment: Wake Up Your Life

Shrinking becomes a habit. Playing small becomes your autopilot.
The solution? Alignment.

When what you do every day goes against what you really believe in, you get burnt out fast. But when your daily stuff lines up with who you actually are, you get your energy back, think clearer, and feel more sure of yourself.

Grab the free guide 5 Ways to Stop Living on Autopilot and start rewiring your daily choices, language, and identity for boldness, not burnout.

Ask yourself:

• Are your current habits keeping you small?
  
• Or helping you shine?
  
  

You don’t need a personality transplant.
You need permission, to be more you.

The Soul on Fire Connection

Inside Soul on Fire, we don’t just talk about taking up space, we practice it.

You’ll learn how to:

• Reconnect with your core values
  
• Rewire your default patterns
  
• Create a new normal where confidence is your baseline
  
  

You’ll have:

• The science to back it up
  
• The structure to follow through
  
• The sisterhood to rise with
  
  

This isn’t surface-level pep talk. It’s a full-body recalibration designed for high-achieving women ready to live out loud.

If you’re ready to stop shrinking, this is your next step.

Mic Drop Close

This isn’t about becoming someone “better.”
It’s about remembering who the hell you are.

No more tiptoeing.
No more waiting to be chosen.
No more shrinking for the comfort of others.

You were not born to blend in, you were born to lead, to shake shit up, to be seen.

It’s time to take up space, boldly, loudly, unapologetically.
Because the world doesn’t need a watered-down version of you.
It needs all of you.

Your Next Step: Download the Free Guide

5 Ways to Stop Living on Autopilot (And Start Feeling Alive Again)

This guide is your first step from playing small → to living boldly.
No fluff. No perfection. Just power, clarity, and momentum.